I have a problem, and a severe one at that. I want to be all things to all people, and to make matters worse, there is a rather diversified set of individuals I seek to please. There are those who encourage my creative spirit, those who encourage my drive and ferocity, those who tempt my sultry side, and those who nurture my spiritual longing. Sometimes I finish the day, feeling as though I have triumphantly executed the task at hand, living fully. Other days however, when I finally surrender to the silence, I feel quite alone.
I think this is part of the human condition. We busy ourselves throughout the day, often times with the most menial tasks. We convince ourselves that we do is purposeful, and in some way a means to an end, Rarely, however, do we fully process what this “end” is? Today for example, I woke early, practiced yoga, and drove to work where I successfully checked off each item on my to do list. I laughed at a dozen jokes, smiled at a dozen strangers, I ran to both CVS and the bank on my lunch break. After work, I called several friends, went for a run, checked my mail, and then, yes then in the late evening…there was the silence. Oh, how I had dreaded its inevitable onset. You might consider me melodramatic but I assure you, I am not exaggerating. The silence terrifies me, and thus at the end of the day, I ask myself, if all my tasks are to achieve an end or rather to prevent having to reconcile with my thoughts. This is a goal of mine, becoming comfortable in the stillness. I would be interested in discovering who I am there.
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Melodramatic? I don't think so. Its just "where u r" right now. There will be different times in life when silence is more welcome and therefore more easily obtainable.
ReplyDeleteThe silence u "hear" while watching ur child sleep is welcome and precious - I could sit IN THAT silence forever. Or even the silence that comes to u at unexpected times. U will find ways during ur life to look for those moments instead of dread them.
However, being surrounded by silence when life is hectic, situations r new, uncertain and out of our comfort zone and way out of our control - can be excrutiating and lonely - ESP. if u r an extrovert. It seems at those times we find reasons to keep busy and not REFLECT. SELF-REFLECTION comes naturally, AND is NOT always desired, when we sit in silence. Its frightening to consider "owning up" to things we've done, said, thought - at those moments silence can turn to loneliness and can be distructive if we aren't aware of it.
We exercise, watch TV, talk to friends, listen to music - anything to cloud out the opportunity for any unwanted issues to cloud our thoughts.
Its exhausting.
U will learn the powerful strength of allowing silence...just keep "practicing".
Silence can be difficult when you're weary, in a new place and still in the process of making real friends in the new place. I believe your yoga will take you a long ways in preparing yourself for silence. And running is another way (both alone & with new friends). Time does make a difference, too. Very good thoughts! UNCLE DAVE
ReplyDeleteyour all the means to everybody's end.
ReplyDeleteYour a good writer! keep it up. I especially like the philosophical nature of your second paragraph.